It doesn’t matter what my name is, it matters that I can be between 3 and 12 years old. If I am calm and conform to the imposed social norms – I am calm, I admit that the opinion of adults matters above any personal needs, I show intellectual maturity and an apparent emotional balance, I learn quietly – I am loved. For that, the reward is pushing myself to perform, never asking for help if possible.
“Hundreds of evaluated children passed through my hands in the last 10 years. The boys’ parents bring them in for evaluation because they feel overwhelmed by their behavior—too temperamental or too shy—and would institutionalize them (in a school) quickly. The parents of the girls speak in laudatory terms and with some pride about them when they discover that they have above average abilities. If the first ones describe a child (boy) with whom they don’t know what to do at school, those in the second category describe some creative children (girls), attentive to details, obedient. This is specific to preschool age and the first years of school (6, 7 years old).” (Simona Mitrea, PhD student in Educational Sciences, Founder of RGS)
D, 3 years. “She recognized the Lion King soundtrack and started singing it in its entirety. I knew she will become a composer and a performer.”
M, 5 years. “She draws accurately, in the smallest details, she discovered the letters by herself at the age of 2, she knows the whole alphabet, she started reading by herself, she uses a rich vocabulary, she already does ballet, painting and piano”
Oh, 7 years. “She is bored at school. She already knows how to count with numbers over hundreds, even thousands. It even understands negative numbers.”
These parents describe their daughters at a time when brain plasticity is at its peak, when discovery learning is natural, when imagination is overflowing, and creativity helps them invent stories using a vocabulary adopted from the adults in their lives, which they decode through their actions repetitive things they do.
“I’ve found that as they approach preadolescence, girls also start to fight back, but in a way where they turn a lot towards themselves and their emotional needs.” (Diana Butnaru, psychologist)
S, 10 years. “She doesn’t like school at all. It closed a lot. From the child who was exploring alone, she now has no pleasure in anything. She sits and stares into space a lot. From an extroverted child, she turned into an internalized one”
C, 13 years old. “We don’t know what to do with her. She is always sad. Her school performance has declined, even though we know she can. She no longer finds joy in anything. Not even when we spend time together. “
At home, in a secure environment, at a young age they allow themselves to be free and explore, constantly seeking the approval and acceptance of their loved ones, falling, over time, into the trap of submissiveness and dependence on the opinion of those close to them.
At school, after the age of 8, they want to be like the others, not to differentiate themselves and to be accepted in the group of “cool, cool” girls. They begin to be reluctant to show themselves “different” by expressing information that indicates that they know something more than the others, thus bringing them rejection.
“Gifted girls are invisible in school,” says Barbara Kerr, Psychologist and Educational Researcher, University of Kansas
“A society that wastes female brilliance has made it the norm for gifted women to lead an average life, and gifted women have largely adapted to that norm” (p. 171).
Subliminal messages related to their school performance, beyond their emotional experiences, begin early and accumulate over time.
“Others, who know, guard it as a well-kept secret. This means that the abilities they could use to develop their potential are instead wasted on adjusting others’ expectations” (Judy W. Eby & Joan F Smutny, 1990).
For “gifted” girls, the asynchrony between cognitive ability and self-image can take various forms, corroborated with temperament:
- It seems normal to them to perform, without realizing the effort put in, considering it absolutely normal (performance anxiety appears)
- They sabotage themselves when they fail, seeing themselves as underachievers (mental illness occurs, depression occurs)
- They choose the intellectual ceiling, in favor of socialization, acceptance in the group (somatizations appear, the impostor phenomenon)
These behaviors are the alarm signals by which they show us that something is wrong with them on an emotional level. In adolescence, these girls self-mutilate, and in adulthood they become severely depressed (Wellesley College Center for Research on Women 1992, p. 2).
Girls often fall into the category of “prodigy” children who are lost in time. If they retaliate in class, like the boys – to talk without being asked, to leave the bench, to make a less than appropriate joke – they are charged as ill-bred, rude, aggressive, pushy, insensitive. These labels cause deep wounds in their soul and mind. It increases their sensitivity to criticism, leading over time to play tricks on their own minds. Internal conflicts increase with age, if there is no intervention in their developmental environment.
High-ability girls learn not to ask for or receive help. They do not receive as much emotional support as boys, because they remain silent, submissive and deep in their own feelings.
Unfortunately, many of the adults in their circle of trust do not understand their unique sensitivities and encourage their destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, too much validation of her capabilities and work doesn’t make her flexible and doesn’t help her realize when she needs help.
Ellen had this problem. She had considerable musical talent–at a young age she had perfect pitch and played quite expertly on the piano, but she couldn’t read music. No one taught her because she already seemed to know how. When she tried to persuade adults that she couldn’t, they would actually say things to her such as, “Oh don’t be silly; of course, you can. Look at how you play!” Her desire to please increased her fear of failure and, eventually, of having her “flaw” discovered. The expectation that she should be able to do something which she had never learned to do set up her faulty, but not uncommon, logical model. Before too long, any gap in her knowledge made her feel that she was really a fraud. Not being able to read music sowed the seeds of low self-esteem, which her musical talent only intensified. People continued to expect her to perform at an extremely high level, while she herself struggled against this missing piece of musical education. Ellen came to expect extraordinary performance from herself, without having taken the steps or experiencing the freedom to learn and secure a solid musical foundation.
To discover that a girl has high abilities, pay attention to a few signals. They appear very early, at preschool age:
- Read and remember many details
- She expresses her ideas quite well
- She has analytical and conceptual skills quite early
- Explores a situation from multiple points of view
- Expresses unusual points of view
- Demonstrates above average skills in the visual arts
- Shows talent in theater, music, drama, dance
- She has the ability to improvise
Above all, let’s also pay attention to the emotional aspects:
- Low self-esteem
- Apathy, based on resignation or feelings of inferiority
- Fear of not taking risks
- Excessive concern about acceptance among peers
- Ambivalent feelings about personal potential
- Conflict between his status in society and school performance
Examine the potential signs of giftedness in girls. While each girl expresses talent in unique ways, there are some common indicators:
- Discrepancies between performance and self-image
- Discrepancies between average or low school test scores and exceptional originality, imagination, and insight in independent projects or assignments
- Refusal to participate despite signs of success
- Sudden, inexplicable appearance of a certain ability in a seemingly average girl
- Classroom misbehavior that shows ingenuity (despite its disruption) or reveals leadership ability
- Remarkable contrast between school performance and skills, achievements and/or activities reported by parents or community members
Overall, boys with high intelligence are 20% more likely to be diagnosed with autism, 80% more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, 83% of girls are more likely to be diagnosed with anxiety, and 182% more likely to develop at least one behavioral disorder.
In conclusion, if we do not identify them and provide them with that stimulating environment for cognitive and emotional development, they remain stuck in their own experiences. They underperform, remain in the shadows and pay dearly for their exceptional achievements. In adulthood, when they come across a person who begins to encourage them, they are shy, with little confidence in their potential, and work for years to recover from gaining freedom of expression in all its forms.
They need adults who are sensitive to their needs, caring and discerning. The connection with the father plays, again, a central role in their development.
Let’s discover them together and help them spread their wings as high as they can!